Things have been both good and bad mixed together. It's confusing and might not make the most sense, but I'll try to explain it the best way I can. School has started and this is my first semester being a full-time college student. While it is fantastic that I am able to be in school and take a few classes, it is also horrible. It's awful in the sense that I don't feel like I'm doing what I should be doing. I'm not paying attention and can't remember what my professor was talking about or what I just "learned", because I'm too focused on trying not to get sick, or I'm too focused on doing my coping mechanisms, when my pain decides to intensify to the point where I just want to cry. Being a full-time college student can be chaotic, stressful, and very difficult. Having multiple chronic illnesses is a job in itself with the seemingly never-ending symptoms, side-effects, etc.. Trying to manage both at the same time seems nearly impossible most days. Don't get me wrong, I'm so blessed to be able to attend college and take some classes, but sometimes it's just another reminder at how much chronic illnesses have affected my life. Before I got sick, I had plans that I would attend school a couple hours away, and live in a dorm on campus. I would be just like any other full-time college student and maybe join some clubs that I thought sound interesting. However, I'm forced to reside at home still, because after a lot of thought, it was decided that my health can be best managed at home, closer to my hospital and every single one of my doctors. I attend a small community college and have no energy to join the clubs or groups. I barely muster up the strength to sit through my class and a lot of the time, force my mom to take me to school because it's probably best I don't drive. I go to class and sit and listen to my peers talk about their lives. Their full-time jobs, their activities and hobbies, and everything about them. But when I'm asked about "what my life looks like", I hesitate and don't know if I can truly answer that question in a way anyone will understand. All I can think about is how much I want to be just like one of them, how at one point, I was one of them. I am ecstatic that my health has allowed me to attempt at school again, but can't help but think sometimes it's only making some things worse. While it seems like nothing has changed, it feels as if everything has.
Things have been both good and bad mixed together. It's confusing and might not make the most sense, but I'll try to explain it the best way I can. School has started and this is my first semester being a full-time college student. While it is fantastic that I am able to be in school and take a few classes, it is also horrible. It's awful in the sense that I don't feel like I'm doing what I should be doing. I'm not paying attention and can't remember what my professor was talking about or what I just "learned", because I'm too focused on trying not to get sick, or I'm too focused on doing my coping mechanisms, when my pain decides to intensify to the point where I just want to cry. Being a full-time college student can be chaotic, stressful, and very difficult. Having multiple chronic illnesses is a job in itself with the seemingly never-ending symptoms, side-effects, etc.. Trying to manage both at the same time seems nearly impossible most days. Don't get me wrong, I'm so blessed to be able to attend college and take some classes, but sometimes it's just another reminder at how much chronic illnesses have affected my life. Before I got sick, I had plans that I would attend school a couple hours away, and live in a dorm on campus. I would be just like any other full-time college student and maybe join some clubs that I thought sound interesting. However, I'm forced to reside at home still, because after a lot of thought, it was decided that my health can be best managed at home, closer to my hospital and every single one of my doctors. I attend a small community college and have no energy to join the clubs or groups. I barely muster up the strength to sit through my class and a lot of the time, force my mom to take me to school because it's probably best I don't drive. I go to class and sit and listen to my peers talk about their lives. Their full-time jobs, their activities and hobbies, and everything about them. But when I'm asked about "what my life looks like", I hesitate and don't know if I can truly answer that question in a way anyone will understand. All I can think about is how much I want to be just like one of them, how at one point, I was one of them. I am ecstatic that my health has allowed me to attempt at school again, but can't help but think sometimes it's only making some things worse. While it seems like nothing has changed, it feels as if everything has.
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Kaitlyn ♥
I'm a 20 year old chronically ill fighter and advocate. My dream is that this blog will help those understand more about chronic illnesses and rare diseases.
This is my story.
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