For the past several months, I have had a lot of time to think about things. Think about my life, the way it's going, the way I wish it was going, the way my life would be, had I never gotten sick. But sometimes, I have to force myself not to think about those things. I have to stop myself from thinking about the way things would be, should be, or could be, because honestly those thoughts can drive one to become insane. I have to think about what it is. Not about the past and not too much into the future but focus on now. I can think about the future as long as I stay within the lines of the realistic thoughts about it. Not the "what my future should be." Which, if we're being honest, is extremely hard not to think about.
But life is all about now. It's about the present. I know that may sound very much cliché, but it's true. I guess I've never had much time to think about it, or better yet, the thought never really crossed my mind. When I was healthy, it wasn't something I sat down and pondered about. The present. I only truly explored into the world of "the present" post illnesses.
My life is focused on sunrise to sundown. Nothing before and nothing after. Sometimes I have to try my best to get through 10 minutes at a time. Once the first set of 10 minutes ends, I fight to get through the next 10 minutes. That is just what I am forced to do at times, and that's okay. But quite often, I think about how I shouldn't have to get through an "X" amount of minutes just to do it over and over again. I think about the schoolwork I should be doing, the classes I should be attending, the internships, the job offers, the friends I would have, the way I always thought my life should go.
But we can't plan our lives out. I know that, but you never actually think that one day you will wake up and within a matter of minutes your entire life will be forever flipped upside down. That's not something you think about, until it happens to you. For example, I attended school, took honor classes, got straight As, played the sports I loved, just went on about my life because that's what I wanted to be doing at the time, it's what I needed to be doing to get where I wanted to go. But I woke up that Tuesday morning, thinking it was going to be exactly like every other day had been. But little did I understand what fate had in store for me that day. When I landed myself in Critical Care and ICU, I couldn't help but think that wasn't where I needed to be, that wasn't where I should be. I should have been at home, eating dinner with my family, not putting my best friend and my parents through that experience.
But no matter how much I think that things shouldn't be the way they are, or how badly I wish they were different, it is what it is. I have to deal with the way that things are now and learn to deal, accept, and cope with the reality of the situation. Which is much easier said than done. It's been years and years and I am still learning on how to do that. Of course I still remain hopeful. There will always be that little piece in the back of my mind that says, things will turn out differently than what is happening now or that things will improve despite that my illnesses are progressive. Being realistic doesn't mean I can't be hopeful or that I'm being negative. It means that this is my life, and as much as I don't always like it, there's nothing that anyone can do to change that.
Focusing on the present is a learning process that I will always be working on trying to improve. It's a process that allows me to slowly deal with my realities. Focusing on today allows me to think about the things I can control, even if it is just for that short amount of time. I focus on today because that is all I have, because tomorrow was never promised.
But life is all about now. It's about the present. I know that may sound very much cliché, but it's true. I guess I've never had much time to think about it, or better yet, the thought never really crossed my mind. When I was healthy, it wasn't something I sat down and pondered about. The present. I only truly explored into the world of "the present" post illnesses.
My life is focused on sunrise to sundown. Nothing before and nothing after. Sometimes I have to try my best to get through 10 minutes at a time. Once the first set of 10 minutes ends, I fight to get through the next 10 minutes. That is just what I am forced to do at times, and that's okay. But quite often, I think about how I shouldn't have to get through an "X" amount of minutes just to do it over and over again. I think about the schoolwork I should be doing, the classes I should be attending, the internships, the job offers, the friends I would have, the way I always thought my life should go.
But we can't plan our lives out. I know that, but you never actually think that one day you will wake up and within a matter of minutes your entire life will be forever flipped upside down. That's not something you think about, until it happens to you. For example, I attended school, took honor classes, got straight As, played the sports I loved, just went on about my life because that's what I wanted to be doing at the time, it's what I needed to be doing to get where I wanted to go. But I woke up that Tuesday morning, thinking it was going to be exactly like every other day had been. But little did I understand what fate had in store for me that day. When I landed myself in Critical Care and ICU, I couldn't help but think that wasn't where I needed to be, that wasn't where I should be. I should have been at home, eating dinner with my family, not putting my best friend and my parents through that experience.
But no matter how much I think that things shouldn't be the way they are, or how badly I wish they were different, it is what it is. I have to deal with the way that things are now and learn to deal, accept, and cope with the reality of the situation. Which is much easier said than done. It's been years and years and I am still learning on how to do that. Of course I still remain hopeful. There will always be that little piece in the back of my mind that says, things will turn out differently than what is happening now or that things will improve despite that my illnesses are progressive. Being realistic doesn't mean I can't be hopeful or that I'm being negative. It means that this is my life, and as much as I don't always like it, there's nothing that anyone can do to change that.
Focusing on the present is a learning process that I will always be working on trying to improve. It's a process that allows me to slowly deal with my realities. Focusing on today allows me to think about the things I can control, even if it is just for that short amount of time. I focus on today because that is all I have, because tomorrow was never promised.