"You can't start the next chapter if you keep re-reading the last one."
They always say that you can't move forward in life if you don't accept the past. And if you're like me, acceptance is a touchy subject. There are so many raw emotions. There are so many things I want to say but can't find the right words. Accepting something does not mean that you are okay with what happened or that you are okay with how things turned out, it simply means that you acknowledge that those things happen and recognize where you are now. Speaking from my point of view, I think acceptance is a very difficult thing when you have chronic illnesses. For example, when I say it's hard to let go of the past, I'm talking about the past when I was healthy. It's extremely challenging for me to let go of something, when it's all I've ever wanted. If I knew then, what I know now, of course I would of changed so many things. I wouldn't have taken my health for granted. I would of bought that extra milkshake, would of ridden my bike that extra mile, I would be grateful every single moment that I was able to do what I loved doing.
To some people, it might not seem like such a hard thing to do. Accept the fact that I was once healthy?
I can't accept the past because I don't want to believe it's gone. I don't want to believe that this is all in the past, and circumstances have changed. I don't want to accept that at 14 years old, my life changed forever. From that moment on, I will always have a slew of illnesses that will stay with me for the rest of my life.
I just simply don't accept the fact that it's the past. A part of me is still in denial. Years later and I still am in denial that this is my life. This isn't the way I thought my life would go, this isn't the way I planned it. I know that I can't plan my life, and that life happens but that doesn't mean I wish none of this happened to me.
Not accepting the past brings resentment. I hold resentment at the fact that my entire life changed within a matter of fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes. That's all it took to forever change my life, my lifestyle, and me as a person. I was no longer the young teenager that didn't have a care in the world. I was immediately put in survival mode, and I don't think I've ever left that state of mind. I lash out at anything that might make me show emotion. I feel like I must tuck my feelings away in order to survive the next set of struggles coming my way. I feel that if I keep my emotions hidden then I won't risk getting hurt again. Learning to accept the past is a process. A process I'm still working towards.
They always say that you can't move forward in life if you don't accept the past. And if you're like me, acceptance is a touchy subject. There are so many raw emotions. There are so many things I want to say but can't find the right words. Accepting something does not mean that you are okay with what happened or that you are okay with how things turned out, it simply means that you acknowledge that those things happen and recognize where you are now. Speaking from my point of view, I think acceptance is a very difficult thing when you have chronic illnesses. For example, when I say it's hard to let go of the past, I'm talking about the past when I was healthy. It's extremely challenging for me to let go of something, when it's all I've ever wanted. If I knew then, what I know now, of course I would of changed so many things. I wouldn't have taken my health for granted. I would of bought that extra milkshake, would of ridden my bike that extra mile, I would be grateful every single moment that I was able to do what I loved doing.
To some people, it might not seem like such a hard thing to do. Accept the fact that I was once healthy?
I can't accept the past because I don't want to believe it's gone. I don't want to believe that this is all in the past, and circumstances have changed. I don't want to accept that at 14 years old, my life changed forever. From that moment on, I will always have a slew of illnesses that will stay with me for the rest of my life.
I just simply don't accept the fact that it's the past. A part of me is still in denial. Years later and I still am in denial that this is my life. This isn't the way I thought my life would go, this isn't the way I planned it. I know that I can't plan my life, and that life happens but that doesn't mean I wish none of this happened to me.
Not accepting the past brings resentment. I hold resentment at the fact that my entire life changed within a matter of fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes. That's all it took to forever change my life, my lifestyle, and me as a person. I was no longer the young teenager that didn't have a care in the world. I was immediately put in survival mode, and I don't think I've ever left that state of mind. I lash out at anything that might make me show emotion. I feel like I must tuck my feelings away in order to survive the next set of struggles coming my way. I feel that if I keep my emotions hidden then I won't risk getting hurt again. Learning to accept the past is a process. A process I'm still working towards.